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By: Dan Reidmiller

(Yucatan Peninsula) — Recently, there has been talk of a “Mayan Apocalypse” set to destroy the world today, 12/21/12. Top government officials, however, have asserted that the world did not, in fact, end.

One government scientist, Dr. Leonard P. Smartypants, explained the highly complex method by which he was able to conclude that planet Earth still existed. According to Dr. Smartypants, “I just kind of… looked… out my window.”

These scientific results have caused a wave of backlash from many Americans who are enraged at being duped, despite the fact that this means they will get to continue living – an objectively better outcome than the alternative “not living.”

Still, many are calling for answers to this scandal, which critics have dubbed “Apocalypse-gate.”

When reached for comment on their side of the story, an anonymous source within the Mayan community had this to say:

​​Mayan Source: “We realize this is a big letdown for a lot of people. The Mayan community apologizes on behalf of our ancenstors for making such a lousy calendar. I mean, our calendar only covered 3,500 years and was created using innovative astronomy techniques that were completely unheard of during 5th Century BCE.”

The source added, “Your calendars cover what? 12 months at a time? Yes, that’s much more impressive than ours. We apologize for the confusion which was entirely our fault and not at all the fault of everyone who assumed the end of our calendar meant the end of the world and not simply that our calendar chiseler retired after 40+ years of chiseling… because retirement is much more far-fetched than apocalypse.”

Also weighing in on the Mayan Calendar Scandal is random 17-year-old high-schooler Tyler Jibberjabber.

According to Tyler, “I don’t get it. My iPhone is showing December 22, 2012 on the calendar app. So like, why didn’t the Mayans just look at their iPhones?”

And that’s all for this edition of Reidicule News. Join us next time when we discuss Webster’s Dictionary and their controversial decision to officially and irrevocably attach the suffix “mageddon” to the word “snow,” regardless of usage or how much precipitation actually occurs.

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