VATICAN CITY — Top Vatican Officials this week are planning a small celebration of Pope John Paul II’s canonization into sainthood with a “low-key” orgy which will feature only a few dozen child sex-slaves, sources within the Vatican reported.
A far cry from previous Vatican-held “Molest Fests,” the approximately 30-or-so underaged concubines are expected to be sodomized in a “quiet, dignified” gathering of only John Paul II’s closest, most personal accomplices.
Said one source, “Don’t get me wrong. ‘Low-key’ doesn’t mean ‘low-budget.’ We’re still going to have fine wines, freshly-picked grapes, and expensive, luxurious oils with which to lather the delicate skin of the bound-and-naked young boys.”
The source added, “It just makes sense, though, to make it a more ‘contained’ affair. After all, John Paul II was a humble, reserved man. Some might even call him ‘shy,’ as he never much liked the spotlight to be on him or what he was [allegedly] doing.”
Concluded the source, “We’ve arranged this intimate penetration-party exactly how John Paul II would’ve wanted it.”
At press time, it was reported that Current Papal Leader Pope Francis is excited for the event, but is “shaking things up” somewhat by – in true Francis fashion – bucking tradition and refusing to partake of the expensive wine, instead opting to drink simple grape juice in an effort to observe the rapes in a more modest way.