North Korea Denies Launching Short-Range Missiles, Claims “Distance Is Relative”

By: Dan Reidmiller

PYONGYANG — In an official statement from North Korea, Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un denied recent allegations that his military has been testing short-range missiles, pointing out that “distance is relative” in an effort to convince the world that they’ve actually been testing long-range missiles.

According to Dr. No Bhang, one of the communist nation’s smartest mathematicians – second only to Jong Un – “Average North Korean like five-foot, three-inch tall. Average American pig like five-foot, seven-inch tall. Four inch difference there. So, when we watch missile strike, it looks much farther away to us, relatively speaking.”

Added Bhang, “Plus, American pigs classify ‘short-range’ as anything less than 1,000 kilometers. Oh, sorry, I mean 620 pig miles. Anyway, you could lay 372 more North Koreans end-to-end in that distance than you could American pigs, tail to snout. Multiply that by the fact that each North Korean is 10 Trillion times better than any American pig… factor in the currency exchange rate… aaaand… yeah. See? Our missiles go infinity times farther than America’s missiles.

At press time, Pentagon officials were looking into the veracity of North Korea’s equation and, if it holds up, top U.S. government officials are expected to adopt a scaled-down version of the formula to help Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) to stop crying and feel better about his genitalia.