HOBOKEN, NJ — The body of area woman Denise Felturo was discovered in her home early this morning, having suffered an apparent lightning bolt strike to the head while sitting at her computer sometime yesterday afternoon.
The bolt, which the coroner’s office speculates came from Heaven and, presumably, God, is believed to have killed Felturo following her refusal to share a Facebook meme which very clearly invokes God.
Reached for comment, God told reporters, “I’m not saying I did it. I’m just saying that this is what you get when you just keep scrolling. You get lightning bolted.”
Added God, “Let this be a lesson to all of my Facebook children about whom I care so deeply: Do not ignore my memes. They mean a lot to me and if you don’t have the time to show them some respect, then I don’t have time to make sure you don’t get lightning bolted in the face.”
Despite the seemingly veiled admission by God, police aren’t entirely convinced that this was His work.
According to Detective Joe Ramis, “Well yeah, the lightning bolt is definitely God’s M.O., but look at the facts of the case here, people. We’ve got a meme with half the words on it misspelled, begging people to share. Now, I grant you, God was a big fan of sharing, but typos? Nah, that’s not God’s style. We need to keep digging here, see if we can’t uncover another lead.”
At press time, Det. Ramis reported that he has had no success in tracking down God’s personal Facebook profile, which he admits is strange because, as Ramis puts it, “clearly, God is closely monitoring Facebook and the rest of the social media universe.”
See, this is the reason I’ve blocked all 535 friends.
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