1,696 NFL Players Charged With Assaulting Each Other

NEW YORK — In a coordinated police sting operation, authorities earlier today raided the homes of and arrested 1,696 NFL Continue reading →

Rapper M.I.A. Found

LONDON — In a statement issued by Interpol’s Missing Persons Department, 37-year-old Rap Artist M.I.A. has been found. According to Continue reading →

Pittsburgh Pirates On Record Pace to Reach 53-Win Limit

PITTSBURGH — The Pittsburgh Pirates are out to their best start yet, already having secured 51 of their 53 maximum Continue reading →

5th Grader Tells Friend Personal Secret, Now Wanted by NSA for Revealing Government Secrets

WASHINGTON — Federal authorities yesterday filed espionage charges against Area Fifth-grader Eddie Rainden for allegedly disclosing to an unnamed classmate Continue reading →

8 Out of 9 US Bridges “Not Deficient” So Quit Being a Pussy and Cross That River Already

WEST NEWTON, PA — A recent report has found that eight out of every nine US bridges are “more or Continue reading →

Apple’s iOS 7 to Feature Impressive, Radically Redesigned Glitches

CUPERTINO, CALIF — Apple recently unveiled the new iOS 7 operating system, which CEO Tim Cook is hailing as “the Continue reading →

Woman Thinking Ahead 49 Years Names Newborn Son “Murray”

LANSING, MICH — Area Woman Marcy Keller proudly announced this morning the birth of her healthy, 9 lb., 3 oz. Continue reading →

Supreme Court OKs Police to Collect Suspects’ DNA, Suspects Excited for Free Handjobs

WASHINGTON — In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court voted 5-4 yesterday to allow police to collect the DNA of Continue reading →