IRVINE, CALIF — Taco Bell announced in a statement last week that they have elected to take this year’s USDA meat test on a pass/fail basis, rather than risking another poor performance on the agency’s traditional grading scale.
According to the statement, Taco Bell acknowledges that “as all of our friends already know, we really don’t give a shit at this point. We’re over it. Call it señor-itis.”
“The important thing is that our meat graduates with a degree” the statement reads, “any ol’ degree of human edibility whatsoever.”
Experts say the pass/fail alternative will allow Taco Bell to continue its plans for expanding its dollar menu without raising concerns over how they are able to procure, process, ship, cook, and sell its meat-like foodstuffs at the same price it would cost for you to inflate your own tires with compressed air at a gas station.
At press time, Taco Bell’s beloved chihuahua mascot was tragically reported missing just after the company had announced plans to scrap the “dollar menu” altogether in favor of the more industry-competitive “99-cent menu.”