A “Weekend Leftover” is a story that didn’t make the cut during the week, but that we wanted to throw out there before it completely spoiled. If you’ve ever watched local TV news on the weekend, you know it’s basically their “B-Team,” and they’re kind of bitter about not making the primetime weekday news. This is a lot like that…
(Chicago, IL) — For the third consecutive week, officials say Mother Nature has completed a successful airstrike campaign on U.S. soil, bombarding the Midwest with extraordinarily cold weather.
In what warfare experts are calling a “brilliant strategy,” Nature is spreading its attacks out, lulling Americans to sleep with warm weather for one to two days at a time before unmercifully attacking with cold, calculating horror.
Top government scientists claim Nature managed to procure the necessary materials to produce the volatile cold through a scientific process that they’re referring to simply as “Winter.”
Officials are vehemently denying claims, however, that the event has anything to do with the dolphin from that movie “Dolphin Tale” with Morgan Freeman. As of yesterday, the FBI and Florida State Police have cleared that “Winter” of any wrongdoing.
Nevertheless, the ongoing situation remains tenuous at best.
Sources within the White House report that the president, in a test of nerves not seen since the Cuban Missile Crisis, has for the past week had his finger firmly on the red button. The red button, located directly above the blue button, is the one that controls the heat on the White House thermostat.
In a statement released by the Department of Homeland Security, FEMA Director Craig Fugate cautions Americans to remain calm, saying “We understand the urge to panic in a time like this, but please, please try to go about your day as usual. Otherwise, Mother Nature wins.”
Fugate also attempted to console the suffering masses in and around the Midwest, adding, “We assure you, everything will be alright. This sort of catastrophe is the truest test of our resolve and character, but I’m confident that we, as a nation, will rise up and overcome it… together.”
According to researchers, the best course of action for those in the affected region now known as “Ground Zero Degrees” is to “remain indoors and pray heartily.” The researchers are also claiming that “turning up the thermostat from 70 to 73 is crucial,” though these claims have yet to be substantiated fully.
At press time, something was also happening in some place called “Mali” or possibly “Mally?” Something involving Africans. Or maybe they’re just really tan Brazilians? And something we glanced at really quickly mentioned French involvement, we think. We’re not sure. We were too busy capturing incredibly fascinating photos of our fellow American journalists using frozen fruit as construction tools.