HERMINIE, PA — Local High School Student Roger Burman recently scored a perfect 2400 on the Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT) after answering every question with the word, “Google,” sources report.
According to English Teacher Frank Gimley, who proctored the exam, “I figured something was different about [Burman] right off the bat. We started with the Mathematics section, and all these kids were scrawling equations like crazy. But not Roger. He went right down the page and was done in, like, five minutes. He spent the remaining time with his headphones in, watching what may or may not have been pornography on his cell phone and drinking a can of pop. Something called… Four Loko?”
Added Gimley, “I was going to say something to him about the porn but, hey, whatever gets you through the SAT, you know?”
Next, according to Gimley, came what was perhaps Burman’s most shrewd use of the “Google” answer.
Says Gimley, “After Math, we moved on to Writing. I’m not sure how ‘Google’ counts as an appropriate essay answer, but I guess it’s like Shakespeare’s Polonius said, ‘Brevity is the soul of wit.’ “
At press time, reports indicate Burman has received unsolicited acceptance letters from several Ivy League schools, including, according to Burman, “Yolo,” “Chris Brown University,” and “ButtDartToMouth College.”